Growing up, we all heard certain phrases from our parents that we hope to never repeat. We know about the starving children in Ethiopia who would gladly clean our plate, the hand-me-downs our parents were happy to have, and the kids who walked miles to school in the snow (and presumably uphill, both ways) and we have all snottily answered yes to the most annoying of comebacks, “If Johnny jumped off a bridge would you jump, too?”.
As a child, my mom experienced her share of parental comebacks, but the least of her favorites was Because I Said So. Yet despite what usually happens to us as parents (we become our parents), my mother never uttered those words to us, as far as I recall. This unreasonable and seemingly smug, unsatisfying answer, from a kid’s point of view, was never hurled at us…even when she faced a daily barrage of “Why can’t I, please? Why not? That’s not fair! How come?”.
Throughout my parenting years, the words of wisdom with the most sticking power, the ones that continue to resonate in my head, are hers: “Never tell your children ‘because I said so.’ I hated hearing those words as a child.” I can’t tell you why I remember those words more than anything else. Perhaps it’s because I could feel the heat, her anger and desire for rebellion, as she recalled those bitter memories.
I wish I could say I’ve never said it. I wish I could be as strong and patient as my mother was, but I, like a gazillion other parents, have opted for the fallback position and decreed, “Because I Said So!”. Now I must admit, if you use the right tone and facial expression, and close by walking away, the fight generally ends there. Success? Sort of. Do I win? Yes, but at what cost? Is it possible my kids will see their mom as a rash dictator, one who metes out family orders on a whim? Yes.
I know, my job as a parent is to make the rules and consistently enforce them. I get it. But playing the Because I Said So card is a poor means to an end. Sure, our kids get the message, but over time they’ll come to see us as bossy, and more importantly, inaccessible.
The opposite of this approach, justifying and debating with your child, is not the answer, either. Kids don’t always have to know how and why parents decide. There will be countless times kids will have to accept a “no” answer, without explanation. Trusting this approach and accepting your decision comes easier when they’ve been privy to the decision-making process. If your children have known you to be fair and reasonable in previous situations they’re more apt to accept a “no” without a showdown every time.
Long before the opportunity arises to slam down the “BISS” card, parents need to have a plan; a family plan that encompasses and promotes values and priorities, complete with rules and ways to enforce them. Our children are not little slaves we can simply order about. They’re young people we’re charged with raising, to hopefully become balanced, responsible adults. That’s a pretty tall order. Dictating doesn’t begin to meet the objective; instead we need to teach, guide and model. Relying on “BISS” does none of that.
My mom said those words a million times and I never thought of her as bossy in anyway. I have used those words with my kids and follow it up with because I am wiser and I know what is best. I guess you could say, “That is just the way it is,” see how far that gets you. You could as your mom or my mom why they used those words. Might just gain a new outlook on it.